Some-one has died.....how can I help?

Although you may feel you don't know what to say to someone who has been bereaved, it is nearly always better to tell them how sorry you are than to do nothing or avoid the subject.  There is no magic formula to take away the pain of grief but you can show you care just by listening when they need to talk or perhaps helping with some practical tasks.

How people may react to a bereavement

People react to bereavement in many different ways and there are no hard and fast rules but people often find that they experience at least some of the following feelings:

• disbelief or denial-carrying on as if nothing has happened
   

• shock or numbness
   

• imagining they still see or hear the person they have lost
   

• guilt-feeling they could have done more or prevented the death from happening
   

• anger at the world, a specific person, God or even the person who has died
   

• anxiety about coping without the person they have lost
   

• difficulty in sleeping, mood swings, reactive depression, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, exhaustion

It is worth remembering that any of these feelings can emerge at any time for a long time after the actual bereavement, maybe many years later.

Some ways of helping

First acknowledge the person's loss.  Never ignore the death of someone in the life of a relative, friend or neighbour or someone you work with. 

Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Take your lead from the bereaved person and allow them time and space. 

If you find speaking to them difficult a letter letting them know how sad you feel or perhaps sharing a memory of the person who has died can be very comforting. 

Listening to a bereaved person can be just as important as talking to them.  Try not to be embarrassed at the sight of tears as crying is part of the healing process although some people prefer not to show their emotions in public and save their tears for when they are alone. 

Offers of practical help are usually gratefully received but it is better to ask first and not be offended if an initial offer is refused.  Help is often more useful some time after the death when friends and family of the bereaved person have gone back home or to work.

These things are usually better avoided

• Changing the subject when bereaved people talk about their loss
   

• Saying 'I know how you feel' or talking about your own bereavements.
   

• Trying to soothe the pain by saying 'It was a merciful release', 'Time heals', or 'Try to think about something else'.  However well-meant such remarks seldom help.
   

• Giving advice unless it is asked for
   

• Making promises of help you cannot keep
   

• Assuming that the bereaved person should have got over their loss by a certain time.  Grieving nearly always takes longer that people expect.

Assuming that the bereaved person should have got over their loss by a certain time.  Grieving nearly always takes longer that people expect.

The loss of a close family member

For many of us the death of a close family member such as a parent is a significant loss and creates a variety of changes for us as individuals and for the rest of the family. Feelings may be complicated and there is no one way or 'right' way to react.  Sadness is common but sometimes there may be relief.

The feelings we experience on these occasions can be surprising or even frightening. Confusing and sometimes contradictory thoughts can emerge when least expected and can cause great distress.  We may think we hear, see or even smell the person we have lost , but although this may lead us to question our sanity at times, these experiences will pass in time.

Other relationships may be affected too

For many people the death of a close family member means they will have to cope with the reactions and questions of children as well as their own grief.  Children's questions can be difficult and painful to answer but they usually cope better with the truth as far as their age and experience will allow.  Many books have been written to help with children's grief and are readily available from libraries and book shops.

A death in the family can bring people together but it can also create tensions and stains , such as the reawakening of rivalry between siblings. Some families are able to support one another but there may be individual members who are unwilling or unable to share their feelings or to compromise.  This can affect the relationship between partners and there is no one way of dealing of dealing with this.  A great deal of patience and understanding may be needed but if relationships are badly affected for a long time it might be useful to seek help.

What can help?

 Although there are no prescriptions , here are some of the things some people have found helpful: 

• Talking- with family and friends or with a trained counsellor.
   
• Being able to talk about the person who has died over and over again, if they want to.
   
• Having their particular feelings and thoughts heard and acknowledged.
   
• Receiving advice on practical issues such as funerals, memorials, financial matters, etc.
   
• Flexible arrangements with employers about returning to work and periods of absence.
   
• When practical issues arise having help to think through the options.  Some well meaning helpers often try to take over but this is rarely the right approach.
   
• Keeping some mementoes of the person who has died.
   
• Reassurance that what they are experiencing is not abnormal.

Anniversaries and Reminders

There are many events that can evoke memories of the death of someone close and this can be very painful and difficult to cope with.  Some are personal and obvious such as a wedding anniversary or a birthday but some are less predictable and may catch us unawares e.g. a piece of music , a smell or a programme on the TV.

Such emotions and feelings can be very powerful but they are often very personal and therefore not always understood by other people.  Some people find themselves distracted and unable to concentrate but there is no 'right ' way to feel and no time limit on experiencing the feelings.

What helps

It probably helps to accept that when grieving there are some occasions which will be very difficult and then to work out how best to manage them. What is important is that the bereaved person derives some solace or comfort from whatever they do whether it be a religious or cultural practice or just nothing at all.  What bereaved people need is acceptance from others and, as time passes, the anniversaries and reminders will help the bereaved to begin to focus on happy memories of good times past.  However, if painful images persist and are disturbing life or sleep patterns then the bereaved person should seek expert help.